Is your situationship holding you back from real happiness?

Let’s face it, we’ve all probably been in a situationship at one point in our lives. In many ways, this quasi relationship or relationship with no name or label is more common than you realise. In fact, we’ve seen it play out in pop culture countless times, from Carrie and Big in Sex and the City to Connell and Marianne in Normal People. “The way I see a situationship is it’s a relationship that has a connection,” explains Sex and Relationships Practitioner and Somatic Therapist, Georgia Grace. “There may be emotional or physical markers of what a relationship looks like. So it could be that you see each other a lot, there's intimacy, you're having sex, maybe you spend a lot of time together. Some people will meet friends or even family, and there's a level of intimacy.” But—and here’s the big caveat—“there isn't necessarily the agreement of a relationship, which is the really important thing here,” stresses Grace. No discussion or agreement of a romantic or monogamous relationship generally means no shared language around what you are or where the sort-of-relationship is headed.  

How do I know if I’m in one?

If you’re unsure if you’re in a situationship or not, there a few key factors that might bring clarity. A common one is not knowing how to refer to them, says Grace. “When you're introducing them to your friends, you don't feel like it's right to say. ‘This is my partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, lover’, whoever it is.” Another telling hint is being hesitant to make concrete plans for the future, even for simple things, like going away for the weekend. And lastly, “some people may feel there is a connection, a desire and attraction. But they fear if they bring up what they want or that they're wanting something more, they'll ruin it.”

How do you know it’s not right?

Being fearful of speaking up can be key to understanding whether your situationship is making you happy. While Grace is quick to stress that situationships can be hugely beneficial for a number of reasons, such as fun and pleasure in the moment without the pressure of commitment; as a way to heal through a transitional like phase like a breakup or grief; or even as way to learn more about yourself or what you like sexually without it feeling high stakes—there can also be drawbacks. “For many people who feel anxious in ambiguity, this can be incredibly stressful for them and make them nervous or uneasy,” she says. “Many of my clients say that it’s sort of a heavy mental load on them.”

Sometimes there is emotional confusion of not knowing what to expect from the other person. “If someone fucks up, or doesn't do something great, or another person is hurt, in most relationships we would anticipate that it’s reasonable to repair it,” states Grace. “But in a situationship, people don't necessarily feel they're entitled to the repair, so there can be some pain around that, and not knowing what is acceptable to ask for.”

Knowing when to pull the plug

“If this isn't for you, I would say that you're spending a lot of time managing anxiety and telling yourself how you should feel, rather than noticing what you are feeling,” says Grace. If you’re finding the sense of limbo or second-guessing exhausting, she suggests taking a moment to pause and ask yourself how fulfilled you are. Another red flag to note is wanting something from the other person, bringing it up, and being shut down or made to feel like you shouldn’t be asking. This is a good indication that your needs have changed, and perhaps no longer align with the other person. It’s important to note there is no shame in suddenly developing feelings, or needing to take a step back—situationships, like any platonic, sexual or romantic relationship are constantly evolving. Grace admits that some people are more equipped to handle the ambiguity or freedom of situationship more than others, perhaps based on personality, attachment style or even their life stage, but this can also change over time.

Regularly checking your feelings and having honest conversations with yourself is the best way to assess whether your situationship is working for you. If the situation is no longer making you feel good, consider some healthy ways to set boundaries or try to walk away without hurting someone. Equally, “I don't think we should put pressure on ourselves to not hurt someone's feelings,” stresses Grace. “You can communicate with empathy, care and respect, but you’re not responsible for someone else's feelings, or how they feel in response.” She is quick to point out how healthy situationships can be, even if they eventually fizzle out. “Situationships are really beautiful and can be incredibly intimate because we can learn a lot about what we need by also figuring out what isn't working.”

Georgia Grace is author of the book, The Modern Guide to Sex.